$D ALLDAY EVERYDAY

I lost contact with my brother.

icaughtmyselfagain:

My brother’s name is Thao Le. He was always my protector. He would always stand in front of me when my dad would yell at me. Protect me from the blows that my dad used to throw at me. And I love him for that.

But when I was 10, he was 17. He couldn’t take my dad’s bullshit anymore so he joined the army. He left me. I was alone and I didn’t know where to turn to. My anger and hate towards grew more and more. I felt as if he didn’t care enough for me to even say goodbye. He just looked at me and turned around and walked out the door. I cried for endless nights and wake up getting yelled at by my dad for being so childish about my brother leaving.

My dad brain washed me to think that my brother was an idiot. Someone who ran away from everything. Someone who was selfish and didn’t care for anybody but himself. My dad told me that my brother didn’t give a shit about me because he never said he missed me or he loves me. Never sent me anything for my birthday, never even said happy birthday. With all that information, I turned my back on my brother. Forcing myself to forget about everything he has done for me. But what my dad didn’t know was that I still had a little tiny bit of hope that my brother will come back and save me from the pain.

When my brother finally finished his years with the army, he was different. He wasn’t playful anymore. He always had a mean look on his face. He barely came by the house. Always out with his friends. I just didn’t know how to act around him. I was nervous around him. He was mean. He turned into in asshole that I didn’t really care for anymore. His actions reminded me of my dad and that just pushed me farther away from him. But this was about 3 - 4 years ago. But still. With the way he was acting, I just didn’t want to be around him. I just felt as if I lost my brother for good. To gambling, to alcohol, to everything. And that just caused more and more pain every time I think about him.

But today, I got a message from him on Facebook. A message that I have been waiting for ever since he left me. In the message, he wrote “I know that I haven’t been there for you all these times but I want to amend for the past and let you know that I’m your big brother and I want to show that I care.” That’s what got me the most. That’s what caused all these tears to fall from my eyes because this is what I’ve been waiting to hear from him. All the waiting as paid off. I finally know that my brother still loves me and still cares for me. And really, I was losing hope each time I saw him. But when he came to visit us recently, he was more gentle, more playful & was better to be around. I knew he was different and I’m so happy that he changed into a better guy.

You guys probably don’t know how much I appreciate my brother for doing this. I’ve lost hope in depending on my brothers and sisters. My family traditions does not include communications between our siblings but he decided to reach out and give me his hand and show that he still cares for me. And that’s what makes me love him so much. But I just can’t forgive him all at once. I really can’t. I have been through too much without him and now he wants me to become closer to him? How do I do that when I’m not even close with myself?

I haven’t replied to his message on Facebook because I don’t know what to say. It’s just such a big surprise that I just became speechless. All I can do is cry my eyes out every time I think about the years we haven’t talked to each other. And now, his purpose is to get closer to me, to let me know that he’s there for me. To know that he’s just a call/text away.

You guys, or nobody. To whoever took their time to read this. Please appreciate your family and everything you got. Hold on to things that you want because maybe, along the years, what you’ve been waiting for will come your way. I waited 7 years for him to show that he cares for me by showing it, instead of showing it through worthless presents. And I finally got it. And really, I’m finally ready to open up to my brother and let him in my life again. It will take time but if he’s willing to work with me, I’m willing to do the same.

I love you, Thao Le. I’m so glad that you’re in my life.

chaa cuhz, he was talkin` bout talkin to ya. keep ya head up babygurl. urvythang gone be all rite